It's Time to Stop Should-ing
This is a tough one. I hit a real low one day last week, questioning everything from what I’m doing with my life to where I’m living and to how I measure my worth. I’m glad to say the deep fog has lifted, and this time pretty quickly, but it made me realise the value in continuing to talk openly about mental health.
Mental health issues are believed to affect up to two-thirds of people living with chronic illness and pain and it’s something I’ve lived with since I was about twelve. It mainly stemmed from feeling so different throughout my school life and struggling to find my place with my peers. Don’t get me wrong, I had some fantastic friends but I was also bullied and had a very different experience of school than my friends who were healthy and able-bodied. In my late teens I developed severe anxiety and began to experience panic attacks. Over the years I’ve had CBT, talking therapy and counselling but it’s not something that has gone away – I’ve just learned how to cope and live with it in a more functional manner.
It doesn’t surprise me that so many of us who have chronic illness and pain also experience mental health issues. Personally I think a large part of it stems from the narrative that we are absolutely conditioned with in this country and the Western world in general about how our lives should look. Note the should – I’ll come back to it later. We live in a society that has a very prescribed vision of what a successful life should look like. The general gist of the first 30-40 years go something like: school – college – university – job – partner - better job – buy own home – get married – have children – continue with career progression etc. Throw a disability or illness into the mix however and that version of the perfect life can derail pretty damn quickly.
School: I missed roughly half of every academic year between the ages of eight and sixteen. College: I started a BTEC in Media Studies; moved to a new area that didn’t carry that course so switched to A-Levels; my depression worsened so I took a year out between AS and A2. University: I started two years late, turning twenty-one during my first year, the age most people graduate at. Jobs: To say my career has been bitty would be the understatement of the century and most of what I’ve done has been voluntary, in a bid to progress in my chosen field. Partner: Still looking! Better job: See previous. Buy Own Home: It’s 2018 in the UK and I’m not currently working … Etcetera, etcetera …
Add in the dreaded comparison that plagues many of us, not helped in an age of social media where people can present the best versions of their lives, and it’s no wonder so many of us struggle. I can honestly say that there have been times I have envied friends so much I’ve sobbed and sobbed – partly out of envy but also because I know that that in itself is such an unhelpful, unhealthy thing to do but my brain takes me there nonetheless.
The most recent time this happened was a few months ago when I learned of an old friend who had just bought a second home. My heart plummeted, my eyes welled up and I immediately felt the inadequacy of my life swelling up inside me. A second home? I dream of owning my first one day and I’m already 35. For the first time in a long time though I managed to quell what once would have completely sucked me into a pit of failure and lack. I took some deep breaths and reminded myself for yet another time that my life looks different and that is fine.
In our society we put so much unrealistic pressure on ourselves to live what outwardly appears to be a perfect life but when things go wrong, the guilt that comes of supposedly not “achieving” that life can be overwhelming. Immediately the thought is that we’ve failed somehow. Failed … I’m 35 and have spent most of the last 27 years fighting pain, setbacks, judgement, my own mind and more pain – I’m a freakin’ WARRIOR!
These are a few things I always try to hold in my mind to get me through those sudden lows when I feel that I should have achieved more with my life:
Stop should-ing all over myself. I think I may have got that from Sex and the City of all places. But it’s true. Why should I do anything that doesn’t serve my highest good? I’m mindful that if those standards aren’t any I would subject my friends to – “hey friend, I think you should have a better career by now” – then why the hell do I put myself under that pressure and strain?
Acceptance. My life has never followed the normal path and again, that’s okay. Grieving for what I thought it should (arrgghhh) look like took a really long time but I think I’m now about 90% accepting that my life is going to be different. And what’s so bad about different?! The path I’ve taken has meant I’ve had opportunities some people would have loved that weren’t possible. The fact that I’m currently single, not working a traditional 9-to-5 job or have a mortgage to pay means my life is open to so many possibilities and that’s pretty exciting!
My worth. I’ve sadly been to a couple of funerals this year but something I’ve taken from them is that they were full of stories of who those people were – not what they did for a living, how much they earned or what they owned. They were full of stories of adventures, hilarious incidents, loving tenderness and held at their heart the qualities of the people whose lives we were celebrating. Two women who were kind, strong, brave, creative and loving. Those are the things we leave behind and make our lives meaningful.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I understand just how intense an impact chronic pain and illness can have on our mental health and I definitely believe that our social conditioning plays a large part in it. But we are not our jobs, our homes, our qualifications or our possessions and we definitely deserve as much love and respect as anyone else – so stop should-ing all over yourself!
I’d love to know what ways you’ve supported your own mental health when it comes to this so please do share in the comments.