2018 turned out to be a pretty big year for me, on all fronts, so I thought it would be nice to mark its passing with some reflection. It wasn’t an easy year and seemed to mostly stay at the furthest ends of the spectrum – either the highest of highs or lowest of lows. But I think I learned more about myself this past year than any other in recent history and I ended it feeling more at peace and content than I have for a very long time.

The lows that punctuated the year were very challenging: February began with the passing of someone I considered to be a surrogate grandmother; workwise I struggled to find another job after my fixed-term contract ended in April, lost out on a position I wanted very much in June and by mid-October my mood about my employability and routine had really plummeted again; I had a major flare-up with my back in July which pretty much wrote that entire month and part of the next off. Without a doubt though the hardest time came in May with the very sudden passing of my Auntie. We received news that she was unwell and in hospital and just three days later she was gone – it was so sudden, so unexpected and a grief I felt almost viscerally. We were very close and I miss her so much but as with anything like this there are ebbs and flows of the grief and it is a loss I have been slowly coming to terms with.

Despite what, looking back, was basically 3-4 months in a row of difficult circumstances what I have learned from each of them has helped me in the long-term. My family is varied and as much logical as biological (an Armistead Maupin–ism I swear by, look it up!); I know what I need and want out of employment more than ever and I am incredibly grateful for the time I have with everyone I love. I have learned to process grief in a much healthier way, as well as grieve for and let go of relationships that, although not severed by death, may have changed as years have passed. I understand more deeply the saying that people come into our lives for a reason and it may not be forever but it doesn’t lessen how we feel about them or the impact they have on us.

Now that I’m thinking of the positives of the year however, I realise just how many of them there have been!

I got to see more of my friends as my health improved and I was more able to travel: First of all I headed down to East Sussex and had a lovely few days taking in the beach at Worthing and going on a walk in the South Downs, which had been a physical target for the trip. It was actually fairly horrendous as I realised about 10 minutes in that I hadn’t taken into account that the ground wasn’t likely to be completely flat and straight, so walking with my left crutch consistently higher than the right as the camber dictated was absolute agony on my back. At one point all I wanted to do was sit down and cry but I knew the only way to make it stop was to get to the end – going back was going to take just as long so I may as well see the whole route through properly! Aided by plenty of rest-stops and some lovely talks with my friend, the sense of achievement at the end was immense but the relief was even greater! I then whipped up to Scarborough to another friend I hadn’t seen for a couple of years and also got the chance to hang out with our mutual friend who has been living in Zambia for the last few years and was visiting with her son. Getting to meet him was a joy and it’s amazing how much fun it can be holding on to a toddler’s hand while they use your crutch as a maypole and entertain themselves walking around in a circle! I also spent a week in Dublin with my brother, which was brilliant fun, no less because we were primarily there to see The National, who are my favourite band. I introduced him to them so to also take him to his first gig of theirs was great. We’ve never spent that amount of time together before either but it was an absolute blast and I feel very lucky that we got to do something like that together. While we were there I got my much longed for second tattoo (only seventeen years after the first), which was a tribute to both The National and Manchester, a city I lived in and hold very close to my heart. At other times with friends I got to spend just 24 hours with them but being in each others’ company and feeling like it had only been a matter of weeks since we last met was proof enough of the strength of our friendships. When you don’t live in the same city as 98% of your friends it is easy to feel that distance and time may be too difficult to overcome but this year has proven to me that with the right people in your life that is absolutely not the case.

Walking Devil’s Dyke with friends in April

My health has been the most consistent in years and, bar that blip in late summer, on a fairly steady upward trend of improvement. I invested in some private physiotherapy in the Spring and have reaped the rewards immensely – I’ve learned more about the physiology of my pain, it’s triggers and ways to actively manage it (as opposed to retiring to my bed, though that does at times still have a small part to play in recovery) in the last 9 months than most of my adult life combined. At the start of November I got the go ahead to re-join the gym and I cannot possibly begin to explain how excited I am about that! I have put a lot of work into reaching this stage and it has been painful, draining and frustrating at times but to feel like I might one day regain the levels of fitness I once had (if not surpass them, which is my ultimate goal) is an incredible feeling.

Back in February I began working with a mentor, which was a totally new experience and another amazing investment that I made in myself through the year. My mentor Jody really encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone, which was exactly what I needed, and this blog is the first fruit of that labour. She helped me through processing my grief for my Auntie, being kinder to myself, letting go of relationships and circumstances that no longer serve my highest good … I could go on. I’m continuing to work with her in different ways and am immensely grateful for all I have learned from her and all that is yet to come!

One of the highlights of the year was undoubtedly when I was invited to cut the ribbon and officially open the newly refurbished pain management programme space, that I helped raise money for when I took part in the Parallel race. It was a huge honour to be asked and so nice to go back, see all the changes and catch up with the staff there, as well as meeting other past patients and people who had contributed to the refurb. I also felt really privileged to give my first past patient talk in November – as the programme comes to an end it’s usual for someone who has already completed it to go in and talk about their experiences so I was answering questions about what I’d taken from the programme, what had worked for me, what challenges I’d faced etc. It made me realise just how much progress I’ve made in the last two and a half years and was quite an emotional experience. Hopefully as I do more of them I’ll be able to control my emotions more too!

There’s so much else I’ve taken from the year but I really would be here all day if I went into everything - weddings, babies, work successes, gigs (oh my goodness I could write an entire blog post just about seeing Janelle Monáe!), Proms, comedy, visits from friends, the development of my meditation practice and growing love for EFT … despite the grief, pain and occasional difficulties when I look back now I can see why as 2018 drew to a close I had such a sense of peace and contentment.

What have you taken from the year that’s been? Triumphs, highlights, challenges … I’d love to hear about them. In the meantime, here’s to 2019 continuing in a positive vein!

Looking Back Over 2018